After a day of drinking on the boat in the sun – I decide it would be a good idea to go meet a good friend of mine who had been at a wedding shower drinking as well. We decide to go meet some friends of hers from work (who had also been drinking for hours) at a very alternative (to say the least) bar.
Upon entry, the first person I see is a male dressed in women’s clothing. He was not a tranny b/c it was evident his bustier was not providing any cleavage – and the hair on his legs was curling up between the fishnet hose. But he was in fact in a leather mini w/ fishnets, combat boots, a leather bustier and a leather jacket on top – hair was about shoulder length and teased up a few inches. Makeup was on, but it was apparent he hasn’t had lessons, so I decide at my first glance, its probably going to be an interesting night.
We order a beer, and two shots of Patron come out with them. I smile and then KNOW it’s going to be an interesting night. Standing at the bar, a friend and I are approached by two other guys. One is dressed in jeans, a white shirt, a black blazer from Kmart, and white sneakers. I don’t remember what the other guy had on, so it must not have been that bad – but he’s not the fun of the story so who cares. Blazer Boy (now referred to as BB) asks, “would you allow us gentlemen to introduce ourselves?” WHO talks like that? I laugh, and agree, so they tell me their names and what they do. They live and work about 50 miles out of town, and come into town to party, b/c where they live, the choices are slim. Having spent lots of time in that town, I agree with them. At any event, we don’t want to talk to them. BB is trying to act classy and sophisticated and I think he is a total douche. After all, the type of bar we are in is not a classy or sophisticated one. It’s full of gay/lesbian/cross dressers and people with alternative/punk/goth styles jamming out to random rock music. So why on earth are two of the prissiest/preppiest/snottiest girls I know here? I’m not quite sure, but we always have fun.
I step outside with my friends while they have a smoke so we can get away from BB and his tag-a-long. They decide to come join us. I’m not quite sure how the conversation started, but from what I remember, or what matters, it went…….
ME: So are yall a couple?
BB: No, we’re just two guys with really big dicks who love pussy.
ME: Gross, don’t say that.
BB: Ok, sorry, we love vagina.
ME: (sarcastic) Oh, ok – so you like the vag, cool.
BB: Yeah, and ass – especially hers. (Leaning back and pointing to my friend who is puffing away, trying to pretend that didn’t just happen)
ME and FRIEND: Ummm……whattha?
BB: Yeah, she’s got a hot vag, and I’d love to bend her over and put my dick in that.
ME and FRIEND: (chins drop, we reach our fingers to our neck to check for a pulse) – WHAT did you just say?
BB: (to my friend) Oh come on, you know you want me to light that shit on fire.
FRIEND: Ummm, No I don’t. (and we walk away, while trying to pick our chins up from the ground).
We return to the bar and tell our friends this, and they are laughing, but drunk, so it goes in one ear and out the other. We then start talking to other random people in the bar. The “hot vag’ comment becomes the highlight of our night, and basically works its way into every conversation we have. We make friends with some guy who is chemist or something, and while he was nice, and had shaggy curly hair and our friend kept telling us how cute he was and nice and so forth, his grill was so screwed up, he looked like he chewed rocks at each meal, and could be a potential serial killer, I just wanted him to stop talking. Oh and the tongue ring was an automatic deal breaker, AND the fact that any person who hangs at this bar is not someone I want to ever associate with in the light of day, much less invite to my bed.
While sitting at the bar chatting away, our ‘hot vag’ friend, BB, is sitting across the bar. His head drops down and he takes a little nap. Guess all that talk about where he was going to put his stuff, got him a wee bit tired. Bartenders laugh, and take his beer. He wakes up, then moves over to our side of the bar and sits down beside us. Of course, the chair next to me is empty. Luckily his non- rememberable friend is sitting by me, and I’m not really talking to him, and hot vag BB is trying to hold his head up. He makes gestures to talk to me and my friend but we just ignore him.
A few beers, two cherrybombs and one Jagerbomb later we decide it’s time to go home. While outside contemplating going home or going to crappy hour, I see that BB has come out. He’s got a beer in his hand this time, so he found someone to buy him something. He also has a new friend with him. He stumbles around the area and then takes a seat on the picnic table bench. It appears as if he is going to throw up as his head goes between his legs. I laugh, b/c I love to watch people who think they are cool crash and burn in public, especially one who likes hot vag and is dressed in a blazer and white sneakers.
I am talking to serial killer grill boy and telling him that he hasn’t a shot in hell, when BB approaches again. Big smile on his face, chest up and proud, drool on his shirt and spittle left around his lips….
BB: Hey….
ME: (laughing, and very sarcastic) Yeah, hi. You having fun?
BB: Yeah
ME: (Sarcastic, I’m kinda annoyed now) yeah, sure looks like it.
BB: Why are you being mean?
ME: Whatever…
BB: (mumbles something incoherent)
ME: (not sure where it came from, but….) – Look at you; you are the biggest loser out here.
BB’s head is bobbing and his new friend is trying to come to his defense, but I stop him before he starts.
ME: I mean, first of all, let’s start with your outfit. You have on the ugliest white tennis shoes I’ve ever seen. No one worth a shit ever wears white tennis shoes, I don’t care what D-list celeb you saw wearing them, and then your jacket looks like it came from Wal-Mart – it’s the worst polyester blend I’ve ever seen, and all together you are just a big ole mess. I mean, you have drool/puke all over your shirt and you’re walking around here thinking you are hot and gonna get laid. You tell a girl you want to bend her over and put your dick inside of her hot vag. I mean, seriously, who does that? You have probably never been laid in your entire life and you never will if you keep on like that. So no, I don’t want to talk to you, you’re not cute, or funny and I don’t want to look at you anymore…..
BB: mmmvvvbbbgrrrhh……C*nt….(and then stumbles and falls over the table)
ME: My point exactly.
Now…..I’ve had enough, I think it’s time to go home. But where is my hot vag friend? I look over and she is in the corner with 4 lesbians. They look like they could be the offensive line for the Green Bay Packers. You don’t want to mess around with these people. My friend is known for chatting with random people when she’s drunk, so I hope she’s ok. She can be taken as funny and people enjoy it, or as the annoying drunk and will someone please get her out of here. It’s a total crapshoot, but I approach cautiously and say hello. Luckily the group is very nice and as I tell my friend I think it’s about time to go home, she mumbles out something to the extent of wanting to go to our friend’s house for crappy hour. I say that I’ll stay there at the bar (with our new lesbo friends, they could take anyone down if I happen to cross the line with my big mouth again, b/c I usually do) but that I don’t want to go to crappy hour 20 mins away, b/c I don’t want to stay up till 5am. I just can’t do it. I leave the linebackers to let her finish her very important conversation and decide that I’m going home.
So, she decides to go to crappy hour, and I tell her to go and have fun, and that I’ll come get her in the morning. When I pick her up at 10 am the next morning, she stumbles out with her hair a mess and her dress from the night before and looks at me like death warmed over.
FRIEND: UGH….OMG
ME: So…..how are you and your hot vag feeling this morning?
FRIEND: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH……………….
You know, just another night on the town…..
Kiss My Manolo's 